You're SO last summer.

The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

I've neglected my dear Taking Back Sunday.

All I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing.

So to make up for my neglect, the next few posts will be titled with TBS lyrics or song titles.
Listening to all their songs again though, I can relate to a lot of the lyrics.

Stop everything, start it all over, remember more than you'd like to forget.

Two sides twist and then collide, you're calling off the guards, I'm coming through.

But it's you I can't deny...

Maybe.

xx

Intent to kill.

What's my suprise?
It's a dildo.
Does it have batteries?
A dildo doesn't vibrate you loser!
No, I'm so cheap ass if you want that I'm just going to use my finger.

They look really fat but it's just because they're so buff.
What's your excuse?

Hmm...I need to re-examine the airplane hanger.
That's why we say you're my gyno, so it's not suspicious.
I'm sure the 23947325734923 times I've examined you isn't suspicious. I'm a frequent flyer.
My hanger has extremely bad chlamydia, it's not suspicious at all.
I would know, I gave it to you.

I still haven't told her. *sigh*

xx

I will forget you like I always do.

And I'll break your heart and then you'll fall apart.

Sick to my stomach,
this terrifying ride.
We're falling
and falling some more,
and I fear we'll hit the bottom.
Rip my heart out,
leave me cold,
I don't care,
my soul is sold.
What I fear,
what I dread,
is leaving you,
your hope in shreds.
So please honey,
destroy me.

We had a fight. He was being selfish, and I told him so. I can't remember exactly what words where exchanged, I deleted all the messages and cried out everything we said. He never got angry with me, I just got worked up over something that he did, and he didn't fight back, didn't defend himself, and this is what scared me - he was terrified, he asked if I still loved him, he cried, he felt sick to his stomach. He was shattered that I was upset with him. I mean too much to him. I don't want to mean that much to anybody because what if end it? What if I get too busy in year 11 and 12 to sustain a long distance relationship? We fight, his world pauses, what if I leave? How is he going to take that? It scares me so much.

xx

I can't do this all on my own.

Well, I had my interview at one of the schools today. I got offered a place. Cool.

But....the art department was shit. I was like *gapes* when he showed me and my mother. I like my toffeenose schools art department.....*sniffles*

Anyway now I'm just double confused about the whole school thing. But, moving on to the highlight of my week!

Okies. So, I catch the train, walk through the city and hop on a bus to get to school everyday. One day, when I was running late and had to, obviously, catch later trains and buses, a little Asian guy caught my eye. Not straight away, but I noticed on my weeks of running late that he always seemed to be in the same car on the train as me, without fail, then he'd be on the same bus as me. Strange. A coincidence. He and his friend seemed to travel together, but at the same time they would seperate in the city and not talk for long periods of time. Moving on, when you see the same person everyday, you start to look for them, and wave, and smile. It was a nice little mute friendship. I think I even said to my boy "I have a little silent asian buddy." on Monday. Well, today...wait, I started writing this post on the Thursday that it happened, today's Saturday XD Anyways, on Thursday, I was sitting on the bus with my asian friend behind me. This struck me as slightly unusual as he usually sits towards the front of the bus. I was happily listening to my iPod, contemplating the lands, when a light flashed in my peripheral vision,

So, I turned to look at the source of light, which turned out to be a phone.

"Hi, my name's Bien, :) What's your name?"

The phone belonged to my asian friend who has introduced himself the only was he could due to my ears being plugged with an iPod.

I turned around and we began talking and found out a little bit more about eachother.

But who does that sort of thing anymore? A complete stranger, connected my nothing more than a smile and a wave most days, plucks up the courage to introduce himself to me. It made my day, and my week, and has changed my outlook a bit. Such a small act, but it meant a lot to me. Perhaps there's hope in humanity after all.

So what's happened from Thursday until now. I slept at the awesome Asians house...I still haven't told her I might be moving schools. We went and played Badmington, was top fun despite the nerdy, posh connotations of the game. I might go again. I had to stop texting him for a few hours to play, and he knew that there were other guys there, around my age. He didn't like that, at all. He texted me twice while I was playing, saying he missed me and that he was lonely and bored without me, experiencing "awesome girl withdrawls" was how he put it. When I had a break to check my phone, I felt very lurved to discover those messages. Most of the time, I'm fully available to him, and it's when we talk for the whole day with no breaks that it doesn't feel as...special I guess. Being slightly unavailable to each other sometimes might be the answer to those boring days, but whenever I say "Hey, I know your a bit busy, I'll talk to you later." he texts me back saying he doesn't want to stop talking to me, not to leave him.I've officially lost my train of thought, damn. I think the gist of it was that I need to get a life.

Anyway, I'm going to go be sick, I feel terrible. Note: Never get into a coke zero skulling competition with awesome Asian again, OR challenge her to eat a whole tub of coleslaw.

xx

Sometimes perfection can be, it can be perfect hell.

I'm at school, in business management, although I probably won't post this until I get home.
But I've just been pondering the whole moving schools thing and what better place to purge than at school in a class where we are not monitored and our work is fuck easy?

That's right, there's no better place.

So, recess was very fun. One of the girls in our group left for America today, and as nice as she can be sometimes, her negative attitude sort of stifles the mood of our group. She always tells me and the awesome asian to shut up, stop playing sadistic versions of rock, paper, scissors, stop making innuendos and raising our eyebrows at eachother, stop pretending to be kinky (I'm not pretending) and stop making "Yo mumma" and "That's what she said" jokes. Stop making yo mumma jokes? It was very hard for awesome asian and I to behave for her. So hard that we just ignored her in the end and continued our immature fun. But now she's gone for a bit and so everyone's rolling in the opportunity to make sex jokes.

My favourites from today were...
T: I'm so hot!
AA: Yo mumma is bitch!

S: Stop stating the obvious.
AA: Like your mum's penis?

AA: Just eat it.
Me: That's what he said, and I did.

The list goes on and on and on...

But today's little slice of recess heaven made me realise I really don't hate those girls as much as I make out to sometimes. In turn, I is beginning to rethink my decision to move schools. I'll miss those misfits.

Mum's schedueling the interview at one of the schools today. My brain is being ripped little pieces, I don't like big decisions, and one is coming up.

On a lighter note, he gets here in 13 days, *joy*. I'll just focus on that. But even that thought scares the fuck out of me...but that's a whole new post.
Anyways, I better go actually do some work in this class. I think all our assignments are due today. I still have two to do.

*gets to work* xx

I'm no superman.

Perhaps I can be superwoman?

I got up at 4:30am to make muffins for community service. It felt good to do what I used to, get up early, be ready on time. Since meeting him I've sort of gone off the rails a bit...Well, a lot. I never used to hand things in late and sleep in. I just feel so lazy, I can't get motivated to do anything, unless it's for him.

So I'm going to try to get myself back to where I used to be. Take some focus away from him, because right now he owns it all, and that's my fault. I'm so obsessive.

I have to, I'm going to be in Year 11 next year...*nervousface*

Anyways, better go get those muffins out of the oven.

*smells burning* xx

Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure now?

Meaningless material,
wires and plastic.
Such nothing, get over it,
it's not that fantastic.
But this 'such nothing,'
causes so much.
Your simple possessions,
when out of your clutch,
the house burns down,
oh, the chaos it brings.
Because in your little world,
nothing is everything.

Little brother is screaming at mum, his xbox got taken away. Our neighbours must think we beat him, he sounds like getting cock-and-ball torture from an extremely sadistic muscle-bound homosexual.

I can hear him yelling "Why, why the fuck are you doing this to me?!"

Why, I hear you ask?

You're an ass.

*sighs* xx.

And imagine we were dead, counting all the things we never did.

What are we waiting for? These years are dying slowly...

My school. It's religious, all girls. I have to travel two hours a day on public transport to get to and from it. I am not religious. I am not a lesbian. Public transport can blow me. I'm sick of girls, I'm sick of religion, I'm sick of the fucking train. So, naturally, I'm pondering moving schools, at least to one that's co-educational and closer to my house.


My options include two other religious co-educational schools and a really good public school. One of them, the least favourite of my options, is supa supa close to my house, it's Anglican and co-ed. The other, coming a steady second in my little list, is in a poshymosh area, I'm afraid it'll just be a repeat of what's happening at my school now, it's Catholic and co-ed. The first on my list, even to my shock and horror, is a public school. I was looking on the website, you can have your hair down. *orgasms* My god, I spend ages trying to control my thick, wavy, epileptic hair in the mornings, trying to get it to look normal. I could sleep in. I could get up, shower, blow dry my hair, and be done. *multiple orgasms* That sounds soo good. All three schools, being close to my house, mean I could get a job, exercise more, stay up later, get up later, have friends in my area and maybe actually be *gasps* happy again!?


So, why don't I go enrol right now?

I have to make friends, again. I have to learn a new set of rules and the set out of a new school, again. I have to put my battered little brain and body through the many panic attacks and nervous breakdowns that always precede a change in my life, again.

See, I thought everything would be better for me when I moved to the school I'm at now, I had very high hopes for a new, better life, good friends, a good lifestyle. What an epic fail that was. After around three weeks of being a loner, I finally found a group of friends - oh the joy, the reject group. All the girls who can't get into other groups. Fan-fucking-tastic. They all hate each others guts, the back stabbing that goes on is insane, except the awesome Asian, she's pretty nice, the only one a truly get along with. If I do move, I'll miss that little bundle of never ending energy (and "Yo mumma" jokes). Then, on top of this, after second term, my mum refused to drive me to school anymore and so low and behold, to the devil that is public transport I was sent. That problem would be solved if I move, but the friend thing...that's never certain. Everyone already has well established friend groups, I'll have trouble finding a bunch of people I like.

Oh, the drama the drama. I will miss my little Asian buddy though, if I do leave. I had a good lunchtime with her today, it was absolutely pouring with rain so the break was filled with either I or her yelling something aong the lines of "I'm soaking wet!" and the other replying "That's what she said.", "I know I'm hot.", "It's just the effect I have on women." or "I just do that to you, don't I baby?" Was great.

But yes, I'm sick of being surrounded by all girls. I rarely find one with the same sense of humour as me, would be nice to have some guy friends. I'm sick of ze train and bus, and I'm sick of chapel.

*leaves confused* xx

Set me off like dynamite strapped tight around my waist.

We've been battered so hard that we don't feel anymore!

I could get hit by a bus and I'd still cry at the news.

The phone be out of credit, dead, dying, gone. And so am I at this tragic news, a little piece of me died when I tried to reply to my loveerrrr only to have my phone tell me "You have no credit left, this message won't send, God doesn't like you."

Now I'm home, pondering. Pondering how lazy I am. Looking around my desk, I can see:
Too many apple cores to count, too many different cables to count, a box of paints, paint brushes, paintwater cup from days ago, an unfinished painting of a cute little angel (Which I plan to finish and post...someday), a plate with paint all over it, Paint ShopPro PHOTO x2 boxes and booklets, various mugs that may or may not have been holding tea, my maths book, a...spoon?, batteries, discs and a sheet on how to complete the square with quadratic equations.

Yeah, I need to do some cleaning. Later though.

But yes, I'm a lazy procrastinator and it has to stop.

And I need to get a hobby, I really have no life. Like this blog, which no one reads (it's for me, not other people), but I still put hours into it and do useless things like listing all the things on my bomb-shelter desk. I needs a real hobby....I'm too lazy for hobbies though.

I don't want this moment too ever end, where everything's nothing without you. I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile. 'Cause it's true, I am nothing, without you.

Maybe I should write some more poems. Yeah, Imma go do that.

*waves* xx

And the worst part is!

And the worst part is, before it gets, any better we're, headed for a cliff. And in the freefall I, will realise, I'm better off, when I hit the bottom.

Mk, gravity, fuck you, 9.8ms-2 is not fast enough. Hurry up and smack me into the rocks at the bottom.
So, little brother is yelling in the kitchen at mother. He wants his weekly allowance early, the usual. Its sunday for fucks sake? You get your pay tomorrow youngin, when the shops are OPEN. Just wait. *bang bang*

He isn't up yet. My life revolves around Him so much I should probably start capitalizing His name. NO. Bad me, stop. Ahhh, young love. So very painful.

*falls over* xx

Take my hand, let's get famous.

It's slowly taking over,
becoming my only thrill.
A hole is forming in my life,
a void now only he can fill.
Fast becoming the air I breath,
consuming me, and although I fight,
My lungs are empty,
and my chest is tight.

Did I mention I need to get a life?

xx

Ignorance is your new best friend.

Ever read that book, Rebecca? By Daphne Du Maurier? I feel like the heroine. She is Rebecca. He...he...I don't know what he is. Not like Max. He confuses me to no end. Like Max, he says he loves my differences from her, but, like the never-named heroine, I can see there is aspects of *dundun*, her, that he would like me to have. That upsets me. I want to know my Rebecca, talk to her, find out what she's really like. But not from my Max. I wish he wouldn't talk about her. I remember once he said "She had a really hot body." Thanks a fucking million, thumbs up, smoooth operator you are. Who in there right mind, tells their girlfriend that their ex was hot?
And so, I turned to my obsessive stalkerish activities. But, I just made my problem worse, seeing my Rebecca, finding out tiny little tidbits about her, just smooshed my self esteem into the ground. What if she comes back? What if she starts talking to him again? If Rebecca came back from the grave, would our dear Max go running back to her and her "really hot body"?
Unnnnnn. So confusing. I fear my goal to get involved in his hobbies, be a bit more like her, is like the heroines megafail at dressing as Rebecca to the fancy dress party. I hate this shit. Die die die, bang bang, stranger girl who gives me headache.

And if you've never read Rebecca, I'm sure this made a world of sense to you.

It's funny how this eats at me every single day, and he has no clue. But I can't tell him.

*dies* xx