Oh, Florida please be still tonight.

Don't disturb this love of mine.

Corpse Bride - Emily <3

I watched Coraline for the first time the other day, it is officially one of my favourite movies, along with The Corpse Bride, Mulan, and Nightmare Before Christmas. Tim Burton, you rock. My love for stop motion animation is infinite. Harvie Krumpet rocks too, I must see Mary and Max, tis made by the same director.

STOP MOTION ANIMATION CLAYMATION NATION GENERATION

Not sure why I did that but it's out there. I'm super bored, but I've discovered the cure, drawing. I rug up and go outside, sit in the sea breeze and draw/paint/write. It's quite relaxing, maybe by the end of the holidays I might have some talent.

xx

I miss you quite terribly.

Here's some amateur art for you, scanned from my book.

This one I did about half an hour ago, I sat outside and it started off being a realistic sketch of the garden, and when I had the skeleton of everything down on the page I started darkening it until it turned into some morbid cartoon.

This I started a long time ago and only just finished sometime this week. It had a meaning, I think I was watching the news (a rare occurrence) and was thinking about societies standards.

It's my parents anniversary today, so they booked a hotel and my brother and I were abandoned, all on our own in the house for whole night. I've been switching from the computer to Halo ODST with my brother, I've gotten better since the start of the day.

Match 1: 25  4 

Match 2: 25  9 

Match 3: 25  15

So I've progressed from losing by 21 kills, to 10 kills. At least there's an improvement in my losing streak. Maybe tomorrow I can actually *shockhorror* win a match?!

*dundun* xx

I'm falling even more in love with you.

Letting go of all I've held on too.

Are you trying to take a photo of my impressive package?

I wasn't but ok. He's back home now, and my flights are bookedto see him in two weeks time, *happyface*.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling, I'm a very solitary person and when you've spent 24/7 with one person for two weeks, despite how much fun it was, it's nice to have a break, but pretty soon I'll start missing him again.

xx

p.s. It's your inner gayness coming out.

Did you just say I have a big anus?

When you think about it they do sort of rhyme.

Oh! I got m tragus pierced *ecstatic*, it was definitely the most painful, mum said my legs were even kicking. I have 8 piercings now, my goal is 12. I won't tell you where they all are ;) and a tattoo or two, only small tasteful ones though.

This is the last night you'll spend alone.

Look me in the eyes so I know you know, I'm everywhere you want me to be.

He played on the xbox pretty much all of today, it was kind of boring. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to do something together but I'd have felt bad or would've been paranoid about him not wanting to be with me. Eventually we went to the park with my brother and mum, that was nice. But I've been getting restless, being at home constantly, pretty much confined to my room, the study and lounge. I'm usually a "homebody" but a week of not leaving the house is a little much. Whenever I suggest going somewhere, he's very reluctant so I don't push it.

Come on, let's go out,
Please don't make a scene.
I just want a little adventure,
no, not from the fucking TV screen.
The only adventure you like,
comes from a game.
I'm so sorry to inform you,
I don't feel the same.

xx

Feel your every heartbeat.

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain

How can I tell you just all that you are
What you do to me

You're better than drugs
your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' to get me high
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high

Feel you when I'm restless
Feel you when I cannot cope
You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote
You kill the poison
Ease the suffering
Calm the rage when I'm afraid
To feel again

How can I tell you just all that you are
What you do to me

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
You're the strength of my life

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you come to get me high

I discovered a playlist on his iPod titled with my name. I asked him if I could look and he quickly whisked the iPod away, apparently I can't look because it's not finished. He showed me one song though, this one, Your Better than Drugs by Skillet. It is now my favourite song, for now at least, they change daily. It's been exactly a week since he's been here, one more to go. We're settling into a routine, he wakes up first, comes and lies on my bed trying to wake me up, we get up and do our own thing for an hour or two then start watching a movie or playing Tekken. I like it, I don't want him to leave, and I don't want the holidays to ever end.

 

Without you I've only just pulled through, and when you leave you take my soul with you.

 

xx

 

Tidal waves they rip right through me.

Tears from eyes worn cold and sad. Pick me up now, I need you so bad.

We're nearly half way through the two weeks, and both starting to realize that this could be the last time we get to see each other for four months. The last stint was two months, that was hard enough and serverly tested the relationship, for me at least. Four months is too long, so I'm going to try with all my might to come up to where he lives again this holidays.

It's still blissful. He gave me my christmas present, a silver bracelet with a heart pendant on it. It's very pretty, I love it. He made fun of my reaction - "Awww, Joey! *kiss attack*"

He's sitting on the floor beside me playing Mario Kart on DS. I just punched him in the forehead, I'm trying to teach him not to say 'Thank you' after a kiss, it kind of ruins the moment xD. He knows about this blog but can't read it.

xx

I don't want this moment to ever end.

Where everything's nothing, without you.

Day two. I think I'll lose some weight with all the wrestling. Even when we're not fighting, he takes my phone or I take his iPod and it starts up again. I don't want him to ever ever leave. But he will have to eventually *sigh*.

He showed my mum the present he got me for christmas, she said I would love it and it 'brought a tear to her eye.' He wanted to give it to me today so he could see me 'wearing it', but I thought it would be nicer closer to christmas. After a short fight, which I won, he agreed.

xxx

I am too happy and excited to come up with lyrics at this moment.

HE'S HERE!!

I was worried, I was terrified it was going to be really awkward, but it's awesome. I love him. It's so nice. We've been wrestling, fighting, abusing and teasing eachother. He said it's the funnest day he's had ever. I accidently hit him in the crotch to hard with my thongs and he curled up on the side of the road groaning, but he was still laughing while he was there. My stomach hurts, bye!!

xx

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight.

I know he's there.

You're probably hanging out and making eyes,

While across the room he stares...

I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor,

and ask my girl to dance,

and she'll say yes.

I love you Mayday Parade.

Because these words were never easier for me to say,

or her to second guess...

But I guess,

that I can live without you but,

without you I'd be miserable at best.

After listening to this song, I need to learn an instrument. I guess I can't truely say I love music if I can't play it. I love singing, it makes me so happy, even if I'm not the best at it. But to be able to play this song on piano or my guitar, it seems so peaceful in my head. It's my goal for next year I guess.

xx

p.s. He's here tomorrow :D!

He wears his heart safety pinned to his backpack.

His backpack is all that he knows.

Shot down by strangers whose glances can cripple the heart and devour the soul.

I am a camera whore, it clicked last night when I was having trouble sleeping and at around midnight, got up, took a billion photos, loaded them up and edited them, creating the banner in the process. I actually like my old one better, but oh well. The discovery of  over 100 photos of myself doing random things probably contributed to this apiphany.

I still haven't finished the banner he asked me to make...I fail. It's just because it's not th usual thing I make I guess, tis hard, has anime pictures and things on it.

We had another tiff yesterday. I'm on holidays and he's not, but usually when he's at school we text anyway. Yesterday I got nothing. I got a good morning message, I replied, and then nothing for six hours. This might seem needy, but when you have anxiety, your boyfriend has an many medical problems as mine does and lives 2000kms away, you start to worry a lot after six hours. I missed him heaps. He called when he got home, I was so happy to hear from him, it turns out his phone died. That was fine, I wasn't angry about the fact that I hadn't heard from him all day. In fact I wasn't even angry, I just felt plain stupid. I missed him so much, we talked for about half an hour, 75% of which was me sitting in silence while he watched some cartoon and ate. Then when he'd fnished, "I'm going to go play Live now." Missed me too did you? Gah. I thought about him all day, I doubt I entered his head at all. That makes me feel pathetic. I have to stop depending on him and obsessing about him, get a life as I've told myself many many times before.

So, I'm getting a job, guitar lessons from my new school and I'm taking like 5 study courses in January so I can breeze through year 11 and have more free time to do the stuff I like, go to the beach, paint, see friends I've neglected lately.

He's here in 2 days :)

xx

Give me a chance?

I sincerly hope they do.

The Last Something That Meant Anything
MAYDAY PARADE

Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours, about things I couldn't say to you, and things that we would never do. This conversation has had no face, when the words take days, you can re-write and erase anything...

Very pretty song, I like it.

Hmmm, so, he gets here in 3 days. I'm excited, ecstatic, my throat hurts from singing and that's a good sign I tell you.

Super nervous though. We haven't spent much time together and he'll be here 24/7 for two weeks.

*sings* xx

Now I'm lying on the table with everything you said.

I'm enrolled at the new school, it's all over but only just beginning. I'm terrified, excited and sad all at once.

I've had many chances to start over, try to get over my anxiety and show people who I really am, since this will be my sixth time changing schools. This will be my last chance, I'd like to spend my last to years of school content with my situation. I think one of the things I need to do to achieve this is feel better about my appearance. Let's not get into the whole "I will lose five kilos by the end of the holidays!" declarations and promises, they always fail. Miserably. I just want to look and feel healthier.

It's all I need, it's indie rock and roll for me.

Presentation night was last night, I got an 'Academic Excellence' award, I was really suprised and happy that I got one. I said to my mum "I'm not getting one, no way. If I get one, I can get my clitoris pierced, ok?"
She laughed and said sure. And promptly took back her promise when I texted her saying I got one. (Don't worry, my piercing love doesn't extend to those areas.)

Hmm, what else. Awesome asian left me an awesome message in my Myola (a yearbook type thing). It was crude, mean and sexually explict - perfect for me to remember her by.

Yo my lil' crackwhore,

I never liked you and wish you would ROT in your new school. I hope you die doing what you do all the time: getting your crevice sausage.
Kidding, later babe :P
Never forget yo lil asian hooker.

This was epic and made me laugh so hard. I didn't think I could laugh more, until I took the Myola to my grandparents house and left it there while I went to presentation night. I arrived home to find it sitting on my nans walker, in front of her as she watched TV.

Hey Nana, how's it going?

Good, good.

Read the Myola?

Yes I did, I don't like the comment your friend put in there.

Oh...*wide eyes*

*procedes to pick up the Myola, open it, and read the comment to the family in her matter of fact, posh pommy accent, pausing to try and decipher the word 'crevice'*

*dies laughing on the couch*

It was so epic, I've never ever heard anything more hilarious in my life. I don't think I'll ever hear my nana say "crackwhore" or "crevice sausage" again, so I'll treasure that memory.

I feel like having a little photo spree in my backyard, it's quite a pretty day today.

xx

p.s. On the phone to him, he's packing his suitcase to come stay with me.

God, it won't all fit.
That's what he said.

It might be getting old to you, but honestly, I never tire of them.

Well, she never was the best at following the trends.

My faux strength has crumbled,
my grief caught me unaware.
I thought this would be easy,
I thought I didn't care.
I battled the day quietly,
No goodbye, no farewell.
You don't know what you have 'til it's gone,
and I had beauty in my hell.

My last day ever at the school. I really did think it would be easy, leaving, forgetting everyone. But I got in the car with mum and started crying, I'm really scared, I don't want to move, and I feel extremely guilty about not telling people I'm leaving, but the people who matter to me know I guess. Most of them, I think there's one or two other people I should have told. I'm verrry confused *whines*.

Imma go...straighten my hair? Yes.

xx

p.s. *as she pushes me down the stairs* Go down, go down!!
        That's what he said.

and today we have an epic occasion, because I have one to submit from him today.

       Stick your finger in and see what happens.
       That's what she said.

Gotta love life.

Tremble little lion man.

I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear? Didn't I my dear?

Dear, you can't be hurt in your imagination.
I found bliss in isolation.
But all guards are off, my soul's been bared.
I'm so in love and I'm so scared.

And I really need to stop writing depressing poems. I think this post was planned to be positive, but then I started it with "I'm so in love and I'm so scared" and then my genius mind (modest too) spawned the guards are off line, and it rhymed so off I went into lyric land. I wish I could sing, I could come up with some awesome songs me thinks.

xx

and It was your heart on the line.

I have news.

News of epic proportions.

I like a song.

This song, is a folk song.

That's right, your eyes do not decieve you, a folk song.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

Go listen now or forever hold your peace.

xx

p.s. I was just asked "What I was on." I'm on this song bitch.

We're gonna die like this you know.

Miserable and oh.

I had a quite nice day today. A maths lesson spent doing puzzles, fashion jewellry textiles making little random what-ever-you-wanteds out of fabric scraps. Recess, ahh, recess. Redskins from the lovely Gen, a sweet note from Lauren, sadistic rock paper scissors and sex jokes, all sitting on the cool concrete in the shade. The rest of the day continued in the same fashion, very relaxing and nice. The only part I would complain about is the fact that my secret santa present was taken from my locker, bitches.

Oh wait, I just got off the phone to him, my day just plumetted. Dead. Fuck.

Someone, who I don't know, in a town I don't even fucking live in anymore, told his mum that I would "come hell or high water have sex with her son."

What.
The.
Fuck.

We've discussed before that we wouldn't be doing that until both of us had left highschool!! He started off the conversation with "I have a bone to pick with you..." Bad tone. Ugh. He said he doesn't trust anyone, not even me anymore. Because some dickhead twisted something I said, or, created a complete lie, and spread it around. This is the second time this has happened, it has to stop.

Me, little miss Virgin-Never-Been-Kissed, plots to have sex with her boyfriend of, what, two months? Totally.

I'm so stressed, I want to know who said it, where they got it from, and why why why.

Really gotta hand it to you, really gotta hand it to you.

xx (Oh wait, I probably shouldn't kiss kiss after my posts anymore, people might think I'm a WHORE.)

You're SO last summer.

The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath, I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

I've neglected my dear Taking Back Sunday.

All I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing.

So to make up for my neglect, the next few posts will be titled with TBS lyrics or song titles.
Listening to all their songs again though, I can relate to a lot of the lyrics.

Stop everything, start it all over, remember more than you'd like to forget.

Two sides twist and then collide, you're calling off the guards, I'm coming through.

But it's you I can't deny...

Maybe.

xx

Intent to kill.

What's my suprise?
It's a dildo.
Does it have batteries?
A dildo doesn't vibrate you loser!
No, I'm so cheap ass if you want that I'm just going to use my finger.

They look really fat but it's just because they're so buff.
What's your excuse?

Hmm...I need to re-examine the airplane hanger.
That's why we say you're my gyno, so it's not suspicious.
I'm sure the 23947325734923 times I've examined you isn't suspicious. I'm a frequent flyer.
My hanger has extremely bad chlamydia, it's not suspicious at all.
I would know, I gave it to you.

I still haven't told her. *sigh*

xx

I will forget you like I always do.

And I'll break your heart and then you'll fall apart.

Sick to my stomach,
this terrifying ride.
We're falling
and falling some more,
and I fear we'll hit the bottom.
Rip my heart out,
leave me cold,
I don't care,
my soul is sold.
What I fear,
what I dread,
is leaving you,
your hope in shreds.
So please honey,
destroy me.

We had a fight. He was being selfish, and I told him so. I can't remember exactly what words where exchanged, I deleted all the messages and cried out everything we said. He never got angry with me, I just got worked up over something that he did, and he didn't fight back, didn't defend himself, and this is what scared me - he was terrified, he asked if I still loved him, he cried, he felt sick to his stomach. He was shattered that I was upset with him. I mean too much to him. I don't want to mean that much to anybody because what if end it? What if I get too busy in year 11 and 12 to sustain a long distance relationship? We fight, his world pauses, what if I leave? How is he going to take that? It scares me so much.

xx

I can't do this all on my own.

Well, I had my interview at one of the schools today. I got offered a place. Cool.

But....the art department was shit. I was like *gapes* when he showed me and my mother. I like my toffeenose schools art department.....*sniffles*

Anyway now I'm just double confused about the whole school thing. But, moving on to the highlight of my week!

Okies. So, I catch the train, walk through the city and hop on a bus to get to school everyday. One day, when I was running late and had to, obviously, catch later trains and buses, a little Asian guy caught my eye. Not straight away, but I noticed on my weeks of running late that he always seemed to be in the same car on the train as me, without fail, then he'd be on the same bus as me. Strange. A coincidence. He and his friend seemed to travel together, but at the same time they would seperate in the city and not talk for long periods of time. Moving on, when you see the same person everyday, you start to look for them, and wave, and smile. It was a nice little mute friendship. I think I even said to my boy "I have a little silent asian buddy." on Monday. Well, today...wait, I started writing this post on the Thursday that it happened, today's Saturday XD Anyways, on Thursday, I was sitting on the bus with my asian friend behind me. This struck me as slightly unusual as he usually sits towards the front of the bus. I was happily listening to my iPod, contemplating the lands, when a light flashed in my peripheral vision,

So, I turned to look at the source of light, which turned out to be a phone.

"Hi, my name's Bien, :) What's your name?"

The phone belonged to my asian friend who has introduced himself the only was he could due to my ears being plugged with an iPod.

I turned around and we began talking and found out a little bit more about eachother.

But who does that sort of thing anymore? A complete stranger, connected my nothing more than a smile and a wave most days, plucks up the courage to introduce himself to me. It made my day, and my week, and has changed my outlook a bit. Such a small act, but it meant a lot to me. Perhaps there's hope in humanity after all.

So what's happened from Thursday until now. I slept at the awesome Asians house...I still haven't told her I might be moving schools. We went and played Badmington, was top fun despite the nerdy, posh connotations of the game. I might go again. I had to stop texting him for a few hours to play, and he knew that there were other guys there, around my age. He didn't like that, at all. He texted me twice while I was playing, saying he missed me and that he was lonely and bored without me, experiencing "awesome girl withdrawls" was how he put it. When I had a break to check my phone, I felt very lurved to discover those messages. Most of the time, I'm fully available to him, and it's when we talk for the whole day with no breaks that it doesn't feel as...special I guess. Being slightly unavailable to each other sometimes might be the answer to those boring days, but whenever I say "Hey, I know your a bit busy, I'll talk to you later." he texts me back saying he doesn't want to stop talking to me, not to leave him.I've officially lost my train of thought, damn. I think the gist of it was that I need to get a life.

Anyway, I'm going to go be sick, I feel terrible. Note: Never get into a coke zero skulling competition with awesome Asian again, OR challenge her to eat a whole tub of coleslaw.

xx

Sometimes perfection can be, it can be perfect hell.

I'm at school, in business management, although I probably won't post this until I get home.
But I've just been pondering the whole moving schools thing and what better place to purge than at school in a class where we are not monitored and our work is fuck easy?

That's right, there's no better place.

So, recess was very fun. One of the girls in our group left for America today, and as nice as she can be sometimes, her negative attitude sort of stifles the mood of our group. She always tells me and the awesome asian to shut up, stop playing sadistic versions of rock, paper, scissors, stop making innuendos and raising our eyebrows at eachother, stop pretending to be kinky (I'm not pretending) and stop making "Yo mumma" and "That's what she said" jokes. Stop making yo mumma jokes? It was very hard for awesome asian and I to behave for her. So hard that we just ignored her in the end and continued our immature fun. But now she's gone for a bit and so everyone's rolling in the opportunity to make sex jokes.

My favourites from today were...
T: I'm so hot!
AA: Yo mumma is bitch!

S: Stop stating the obvious.
AA: Like your mum's penis?

AA: Just eat it.
Me: That's what he said, and I did.

The list goes on and on and on...

But today's little slice of recess heaven made me realise I really don't hate those girls as much as I make out to sometimes. In turn, I is beginning to rethink my decision to move schools. I'll miss those misfits.

Mum's schedueling the interview at one of the schools today. My brain is being ripped little pieces, I don't like big decisions, and one is coming up.

On a lighter note, he gets here in 13 days, *joy*. I'll just focus on that. But even that thought scares the fuck out of me...but that's a whole new post.
Anyways, I better go actually do some work in this class. I think all our assignments are due today. I still have two to do.

*gets to work* xx

I'm no superman.

Perhaps I can be superwoman?

I got up at 4:30am to make muffins for community service. It felt good to do what I used to, get up early, be ready on time. Since meeting him I've sort of gone off the rails a bit...Well, a lot. I never used to hand things in late and sleep in. I just feel so lazy, I can't get motivated to do anything, unless it's for him.

So I'm going to try to get myself back to where I used to be. Take some focus away from him, because right now he owns it all, and that's my fault. I'm so obsessive.

I have to, I'm going to be in Year 11 next year...*nervousface*

Anyways, better go get those muffins out of the oven.

*smells burning* xx

Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure now?

Meaningless material,
wires and plastic.
Such nothing, get over it,
it's not that fantastic.
But this 'such nothing,'
causes so much.
Your simple possessions,
when out of your clutch,
the house burns down,
oh, the chaos it brings.
Because in your little world,
nothing is everything.

Little brother is screaming at mum, his xbox got taken away. Our neighbours must think we beat him, he sounds like getting cock-and-ball torture from an extremely sadistic muscle-bound homosexual.

I can hear him yelling "Why, why the fuck are you doing this to me?!"

Why, I hear you ask?

You're an ass.

*sighs* xx.

And imagine we were dead, counting all the things we never did.

What are we waiting for? These years are dying slowly...

My school. It's religious, all girls. I have to travel two hours a day on public transport to get to and from it. I am not religious. I am not a lesbian. Public transport can blow me. I'm sick of girls, I'm sick of religion, I'm sick of the fucking train. So, naturally, I'm pondering moving schools, at least to one that's co-educational and closer to my house.


My options include two other religious co-educational schools and a really good public school. One of them, the least favourite of my options, is supa supa close to my house, it's Anglican and co-ed. The other, coming a steady second in my little list, is in a poshymosh area, I'm afraid it'll just be a repeat of what's happening at my school now, it's Catholic and co-ed. The first on my list, even to my shock and horror, is a public school. I was looking on the website, you can have your hair down. *orgasms* My god, I spend ages trying to control my thick, wavy, epileptic hair in the mornings, trying to get it to look normal. I could sleep in. I could get up, shower, blow dry my hair, and be done. *multiple orgasms* That sounds soo good. All three schools, being close to my house, mean I could get a job, exercise more, stay up later, get up later, have friends in my area and maybe actually be *gasps* happy again!?


So, why don't I go enrol right now?

I have to make friends, again. I have to learn a new set of rules and the set out of a new school, again. I have to put my battered little brain and body through the many panic attacks and nervous breakdowns that always precede a change in my life, again.

See, I thought everything would be better for me when I moved to the school I'm at now, I had very high hopes for a new, better life, good friends, a good lifestyle. What an epic fail that was. After around three weeks of being a loner, I finally found a group of friends - oh the joy, the reject group. All the girls who can't get into other groups. Fan-fucking-tastic. They all hate each others guts, the back stabbing that goes on is insane, except the awesome Asian, she's pretty nice, the only one a truly get along with. If I do move, I'll miss that little bundle of never ending energy (and "Yo mumma" jokes). Then, on top of this, after second term, my mum refused to drive me to school anymore and so low and behold, to the devil that is public transport I was sent. That problem would be solved if I move, but the friend thing...that's never certain. Everyone already has well established friend groups, I'll have trouble finding a bunch of people I like.

Oh, the drama the drama. I will miss my little Asian buddy though, if I do leave. I had a good lunchtime with her today, it was absolutely pouring with rain so the break was filled with either I or her yelling something aong the lines of "I'm soaking wet!" and the other replying "That's what she said.", "I know I'm hot.", "It's just the effect I have on women." or "I just do that to you, don't I baby?" Was great.

But yes, I'm sick of being surrounded by all girls. I rarely find one with the same sense of humour as me, would be nice to have some guy friends. I'm sick of ze train and bus, and I'm sick of chapel.

*leaves confused* xx

Set me off like dynamite strapped tight around my waist.

We've been battered so hard that we don't feel anymore!

I could get hit by a bus and I'd still cry at the news.

The phone be out of credit, dead, dying, gone. And so am I at this tragic news, a little piece of me died when I tried to reply to my loveerrrr only to have my phone tell me "You have no credit left, this message won't send, God doesn't like you."

Now I'm home, pondering. Pondering how lazy I am. Looking around my desk, I can see:
Too many apple cores to count, too many different cables to count, a box of paints, paint brushes, paintwater cup from days ago, an unfinished painting of a cute little angel (Which I plan to finish and post...someday), a plate with paint all over it, Paint ShopPro PHOTO x2 boxes and booklets, various mugs that may or may not have been holding tea, my maths book, a...spoon?, batteries, discs and a sheet on how to complete the square with quadratic equations.

Yeah, I need to do some cleaning. Later though.

But yes, I'm a lazy procrastinator and it has to stop.

And I need to get a hobby, I really have no life. Like this blog, which no one reads (it's for me, not other people), but I still put hours into it and do useless things like listing all the things on my bomb-shelter desk. I needs a real hobby....I'm too lazy for hobbies though.

I don't want this moment too ever end, where everything's nothing without you. I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile. 'Cause it's true, I am nothing, without you.

Maybe I should write some more poems. Yeah, Imma go do that.

*waves* xx

And the worst part is!

And the worst part is, before it gets, any better we're, headed for a cliff. And in the freefall I, will realise, I'm better off, when I hit the bottom.

Mk, gravity, fuck you, 9.8ms-2 is not fast enough. Hurry up and smack me into the rocks at the bottom.
So, little brother is yelling in the kitchen at mother. He wants his weekly allowance early, the usual. Its sunday for fucks sake? You get your pay tomorrow youngin, when the shops are OPEN. Just wait. *bang bang*

He isn't up yet. My life revolves around Him so much I should probably start capitalizing His name. NO. Bad me, stop. Ahhh, young love. So very painful.

*falls over* xx

Take my hand, let's get famous.

It's slowly taking over,
becoming my only thrill.
A hole is forming in my life,
a void now only he can fill.
Fast becoming the air I breath,
consuming me, and although I fight,
My lungs are empty,
and my chest is tight.

Did I mention I need to get a life?

xx

Ignorance is your new best friend.

Ever read that book, Rebecca? By Daphne Du Maurier? I feel like the heroine. She is Rebecca. He...he...I don't know what he is. Not like Max. He confuses me to no end. Like Max, he says he loves my differences from her, but, like the never-named heroine, I can see there is aspects of *dundun*, her, that he would like me to have. That upsets me. I want to know my Rebecca, talk to her, find out what she's really like. But not from my Max. I wish he wouldn't talk about her. I remember once he said "She had a really hot body." Thanks a fucking million, thumbs up, smoooth operator you are. Who in there right mind, tells their girlfriend that their ex was hot?
And so, I turned to my obsessive stalkerish activities. But, I just made my problem worse, seeing my Rebecca, finding out tiny little tidbits about her, just smooshed my self esteem into the ground. What if she comes back? What if she starts talking to him again? If Rebecca came back from the grave, would our dear Max go running back to her and her "really hot body"?
Unnnnnn. So confusing. I fear my goal to get involved in his hobbies, be a bit more like her, is like the heroines megafail at dressing as Rebecca to the fancy dress party. I hate this shit. Die die die, bang bang, stranger girl who gives me headache.

And if you've never read Rebecca, I'm sure this made a world of sense to you.

It's funny how this eats at me every single day, and he has no clue. But I can't tell him.

*dies* xx